March 26, 2011 § Leave a comment
Well, on 3/24/11 I got fired. This is probably the best thing that’s happened to me in a while. That means I’ll finally get to move down to live with Master P. I’ll get to continue on my education. I’ll get to live in a new place and meet new people. It means that I’m moving on to bigger and better things.
But I’m still nervous as hell. I’ve never lived away from my parents except for twice, both of which were…. well, they were definitely experiences that I learned from, but they were a bit frightful. I know that I’m not in the same place as I was when I moved to Fresno, but it’s been mentioned to me that the family is a little worried that… well, that I’ll crack again. Master P will be there, so I’m not really worried about it….. but it worries me that other people worry about it. Strange, right?
I’m also a little concerned about finances. Master P was supposed to be financial aid for school this semester, but it didn’t end up happening so we get to pay for this quarter as well. We can do it, it’ll just be a bit tight. I just hope that that company sends him the paper he needs ASAP for next quarter. I just don’t know what my unemployment checks will look like yet. I think once I know that they’re consistently coming and about how much they’ll be, I won’t worry as much.
I’ve already contacted DMV and the post office, and all of those places. I still need to talk to the car insurance peeps, to see if I need to change things around or not. I also want to drop by CR, because I have a few floppy disks and I want to check to see what’s on them…. and none of the computers we have here have floppy drives. It’s so oldschool! lol.
I’m thinking that I’ll leave Wednesday. Either Saturday or Sunday night I’ll be doing to dinner with Ms. Nita. She’s about to drop her baby at any second! Jackie has Tuesday off, so perhaps I’ll do lunch with her. I’ve been told that the inbetween towns has a nice little deli place. Maybe she’ll want to meet me there. If not, I’ll travel into town before leaving to the MainLand. Beyond that…. I don’t really have any plans with anyone else. I kinda want to have a get together with the people from work (that I like), but I know that I need to save money so that’s not really the smartest idea. Dinner with Nita is okay because she’s paying, and if Jackie and I do lunch it’ll be somewhere cheap. lol. I’m such a good friend. :/
I love you, Master P. I can’t wait to be down there with you. I may be super nervous, but I’m also super excited.
March 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
Tonight… was a good night. Today…. was an odd day. It started off on a sour note, but it was able to flip-flop and I actually ended up having a fabulous night. Some people ended up having what I like to call a cupcake tossdown. Which is where you wrestle, but try and shove cupcakes into each others faces. I’m not really sure which one won though.
Master, I’m sorry that I haven’t been posting here lately. The past couple of nights have felt horrible and I’ve ended up going to bed relatively early most nights. Feeling tired, but I suppose part of that was probably depression as well.
I’ve been thinking about writing lately, however I’ve been busy during all of my free times. Hopefully I’ll continue to think about it so that once I DO have some free time, I’ll be able to write. HOWEVER…. that free time I might also use to watch ‘The Office’. And I blame that one ALL on YOU. Heheheh.
My exercise plan didn’t quite pan out the way I wanted it to. I did pilates and I went for a 2.5 mile walk, but the pool was extremely small and creepy and the gym in general isn’t as welcoming as I thought it would be. If I can get to bed on time tonight I’ll do pilates tomorrow morning. It’s also extremely difficult when it gets rainy because that means that dad is home. Which sucks. I also got Zumba for the Wii in hopes that I can use that to dance the pounds off! I’ve yet to try it because everyone had ALWAYS been home.
Also, Master has been talking about a vacation later on this year which I think is well deserved by all. Disneyworld was being looked at, but Disneyland also sounds fun. Honestly, I’d be up for pretty much anything. I think Lake Tahoe would be fun, or Aspen, or Yosemite. Or Italy. ;P Greece? You know, the norm! Although, I know anything overseas we’ll have to wait for because of price AND passports.Which I’m okay with. :)
Food: Breakfast was a granola bar, lunch was chicken strips, dinner was prime rib with garlic bread and guac dip. Could have eaten a lot better, but I also could have eaten a lot worse. Considering all the snackies that were available…. I think I did pretty well.
Conclusion: Being depressed doesn’t help the eating habits. It makes eating disgusting and comforting all at the same time. And jalapenos are bad for my stomach. And so is sailor jerry’s.
Super conclusion: I need to stop being lazy and making excuses. They may be true, but they’re still just that. I’m embarrassed to work out because I’m embarrassed that people will see just how fat I am. Isn’t that just… disgusting? It’s morbid and kind of sad that other people’s SUPPOSED opinions are whats holding me back. Also….. I need to proportion well. I don’t do it so well. I try to, but sometimes I still get carried away if something tastes real good. And also…. I’m done with my job. I want to get fired and get paid. That would be ULTIMATE!
I love you, Master!!
March 7, 2011 § 1 Comment
I am so nervous. I know I shouldn’t be, but I am. It’s because it’s something new, a change in my routine/schedule, and new people. I apparently don’t really do well with any of those. But it’s about time, and I need to. I also know that I’m ready to do it, because I’m craving the movement of it. I really liked doing Pilates at CR and it was a great stress release and it also made me sweat. I ended up losing 10 lbs just by doing pilates. So I figured by incorporating it in that it will really help with my flexibility as well. I’m just so….NERVOUS!
Also…. I found something out that rather saddens me. I think it’s not so much that I ‘found’ it out, but I think I finally allowed myself to admit it. I love dance. The movements, the rhythm, the way it makes you feel free, the way you can express yourself with your body…. I wish that I would have had the spine and backbone to admit this when there was still a chance that I could have BEEN a dancer. At 25…. as a dancer, my career would be coming to an end. I’m honestly still looking at going down this road, but mainly as a hobby. Something that I do to pass the time and help keep myself in shape….. but I think the admitting and the realization just hitting me…. makes me sad to know that I lost out on that dream. Such a strange thing…. My parents always tried to push me SOOO much to lose weight, but I think that’s a part as to why I didn’t want to. They never gave me a real REASON, other than they thought I was going to DIE. (When you’re a kid, you think your immortal so that didn’t make any sense to me.) They never explained that it would affect how I thought about myself and that it might prohibit me from doing things that I might want to do.
Like skydiving. Or dancing. Or gymnastics. Or karate. Or sex. Hiking. Paragliding. Scuba diving. Swimming. Wrestling. Singing. Playing…. LIVING.
I… I never knew. How fucked up is that? I just never knew because no one explained JUST how being overweight could affect me badly. Now… now I know. And I’m trying to do something about it.
Weigh-in: 240… WTF?! The only thing I can think of its that I ate breakfast and THEN weighed myself. Crystal says she thinks it’s water weight from sitting in a car all day. I surely hope so. Because that just pissed me off.
Food: Breakfast…toast. Lunch…meatballs, veggies w/ranch, salami and cheese, small piece of cake. Dinner…. sliced beef.
Purchases: $10…. Baby Shower Card and bag to put presents in.
Conclusion: I probably ate a little too…minuscule. Not well rounded enough and all of that. But at least I didn’t do that bad. I should have had some fruit as well. But I didn’t, and I’m not going to kick myself around for it.
SUPER conclusion: I’m no longer going to hold myself back. I won’t let me. I want to live. I want to be able to do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that I want to do. And I won’t let myself stop me anymore.
March 6, 2011 § 1 Comment
I’m not feeling clever, or witty, or particularly funny. I feel rather than a ball of mush: insignificant, gross, and useless. I know, what an emo moment, am I right? I think my birth control might possibly have something to do with this. You see, when I’m not on it I feel great. I feel pretty and sexual and motivated. And then when I start taking it…. I become mush. I have days of unmush, but it just seems to be quite a coincidence that the two happen at the same time. Perhaps I’m looking too much into it and I simply had an off day. I don’t really know.
HOWEVER! I have looked at my work schedule versus the workout schedule and I think I’ve got some pretty good things down. I can do pilates Tuesday and Thursday in the morning, and Wednesday if I don’t work I can do either Contact Kickboxing or Women’s Self Defense in the evening. Sunday morning’s there’s pilates before work. Also, there’s lap swim in the morning, every morning from 6:00-9:30AM. I’m not sure if I trust the pool well enough to do that, but I think it’s going to be something that I check out. There’s also some classes that I would like to try out, but the times for those are mostly when I’m not working because they’re either right at the beginning of my shift or right at the end of my shift. :(
But thankfully they finally put out the new schedule so I at least know what’s going on. I wish I could go to pilates tomorrow, but I have the baby shower! I think Monday I’ll try checking out the pool. I work from 10:30-CL, so that’s really the only thing that would work for me. Tuesday and Wednesday I have off, so I have my choice of Zumba VS Pilates on Tuesday, and then Contact Kickboxing VS Women’s Self-Defense on Wednesday in the evening. (I realize that I could technically do both, but since it’ll be my first week, I really don’t want to kill myself yet.) Thursday I’ll rest, because nothing fits the schedule. And Friday I’ll go swimming, Saturday off, Pilates on Sunday.
Monday: Pool (6:00-9:30); Work (10:30-CL)
Tuesday: Pilates (8-9am) VS Zumba (6:30-7:30PM)
Wednesday: Contact Kickboxing (5:30-6:25PM) VS Women’s Self-Defense (6-7PM)
Thursday: Work (9:30-6:30)
Friday: Pool (6:00-9:30); Work (9:30-6:30)
Saturday: Work (10:30-CL)
Sunday:…..Fuck. Looking at my schedule we’ve actually got a meeting at 9:30 in the morning, and pilates is at 10. POOP! Well….maybe I’ll do some swimming either before or after the meeting. Meeting (9:30-11:30); Pool (8am-1PM)
Well, at least I have this next week worked out. I have no idea what I’ll eat or when I’ll make time for it, but I’ll find something.
Hey. And doing this made me feel not so much like mush. Which is nice.
Weigh-in: Unknown. I got up late and didn’t get a chance to weigh myself before work.
Food: I actually did pretty good with this. I had granola bars for breakfast, bbq chicken with fruit leather, tortilla chips, and blueberries for lunch, and tacos for dinner. :) I didn’t overstuff myself and I was able to stop eating when I was actually full.
Conclusion: My mood varies depending on how I feel I’m doing overall. If I think that I’ve been crappy, or simply didn’t get to eat enough, or if I’m feeling fat….. I really start to harp on myself. I need to stop the negative thinking because it’s not productive or motivative. It also sucks because when I feel down I either want to eat, or shop. Both of which are pretty self destructive.
SUPER conclusion: I’m on the right path, I just need to remember to stay on it. And even if I stray a little, I can’t beat myself up. I simply have to tut-tut myself, and continue on with the proper one. I can’t be thinking these super negative thoughts because then it just drives me further into my rut/depression/mushiness.
I love you, Master.
March 2, 2011 § Leave a comment
Heheheh, I’m so clever. ‘shoed’ I? …..Sorry. I simply couldn’t help myself on that one. We were talking about shoes (or perhaps I was talking and You were merely forced to listen to me) and that got me thinking. Where the hell AM I going to find a GOOD pair of shoes? And you know what…. either google is useless or I simply don’t know how to search the internet anymore. I found a lot of good sites based in HOW to walk in high heels.
Were my favorite two. BBC really specified that I need to progressively learn, which is of course something we already knew. So, I searched on ZAPPOS for some lower heels, that had the strap over the arch that I need in order for shoes to stay on.
Listed in order, these were my favorite three out of 16 pages of shoes. 16…PAGES. Of SHOES! That’s insane. I thought that if I got something semi-conservative but still cute, that I’d be able to wear them to work as well. Where better to practice, then at work where I’m running back and forth, not really being able to think about how I’m going to look when I walk? But they’re still cute enough that I could wear them with skirts or jeans.
And how the hell do I change the time on this blog?! It is NOT 6 AM on the 2nd! Damnit!
Morning weigh-in: 237 (Went down slightly, but I’m not counting half pounds. I think I need to get a digital, more accurate scale too.)
Food: Cream of wheat, meatloaf with mashed potatoes, carrots, blueberries, a cup of cheese popcorn, french bread. (WTF?!)
Purchases: Printer ink, that mom split with me: $30. Safeway: $28 (this involved supplies. granola bars, oatmeal, milk, eggplant, mini baby carrots (that I can chew), and such.)
Conclusion: …..I suck. lol. This after work dinner is what’s killing me. I’m not eating horribly, but definitely not HEALTHY. I thought I had been doing so well today and then to look back and be like….wtf…. It just makes me upset. I think that I’m trying SOOO hard, just to realize that I apparently hadn’t tried hard enough. I have tomorrow off, which is going to be more difficult because I’ll be home and probably slightly bored…. and I eat when I’m bored. So I’m going to give myself an extra challenge and eat at pre-determined times ONLY. (DAMN! I should have gotten grapes at Safeway! I totally forgot I wanted some!) Breakfast will be within an hour and a half of waking. I’m having an omelet. Hopefully I won’t burn it. (damn my omelet skills are lacking!) Lunch: Around 12-1. No later. Eggplant and…. something else. Dinner: 5-6. Unsure what I’m having yet, because I hadn’t gotten that far. If I get hungry in between, it’s my challenge to myself to eat fruit or carrots only. I highly doubt I’ll get extremely snacky with those. lol.
SUPER conclusion: My backbone is not as strong as I thought it was. But my will definitely got strong. My motivation and will to DO IT got stronger. Tomorrow I will be comparing my work schedule to the group activity schedule and either later this week or starting next week, I will be going to the gym with a regular schedule to do so. That means earlier mornings which…. yuck, but it’s something that I need and actually want to do.
And I need to invest in a pair of shoes, so….. Do you like any of them, Master?
March 1, 2011 § 2 Comments
Why is it, that for the life of me, I can no longer discuss these things without blushing? Without avoiding eye contact? I’m the one that used to be the predator. I used to hunt. But now, I am the hunt and the prey, and although I can have these sorts of discussions in a group manner and it doesn’t embarrass me, trying to bring these subjects up to You freaks me out.
I can’t believe this. I wanted to talk to You about this blog and I couldn’t for the life of me get the guts to bring it up. I wonder if I’m still somehow afraid of rejection…. the same manner as to why I’m afraid to be the one to make the moves when I’m in the mood. I’m just not sure. And I don’t know how to get that back. Or simply get it in general! But at the same time, I feel that it’s not in my place to ask for sex. If You don’t want it, then You don’t and when You do, You’ll let me know….. That may not be how You want it, but that’s how I think about it… I think… that I’m just nervous. Afraid that I will bare my all, that You will rip me down to my very core…. only for You to not like what you see. Yet even though, I know that You’d shape it into something that You did, so I’m not really sure why I’m nervous.
Because I’m Your slave, and I simply want to please You….and what if I don’t?
Morning weigh-in: 237
Food: Cream of Wheat, Oven Fried Chicken & Tortilla Chips, Slice of leftover pizza, piece of bread, piece of chocolate. (I find that on my week that 1 small piece of chocolate at night will curb any cravings that I have throughout the day.)
Conclusion: I need to eat more veggies and more fruit. Finding healthy meals that I can take to work that isn’t freezer food is very difficult. And finding dinner after working all day is horrible. I know that if I try to cook something, that I have to make it big enough for everyone, else they get bent out of shape. And I have to label my leftovers otherwise they disappear. Which is a super bummer if that’s what I’ve planned to have for lunch the next day.
SUPER conclusion: I might need to plan out meals at least a week in advance. Cook something that can be had in leftovers for multiple times, in multiple different ways. I’m researching, but haven’t come to anything specific yet.
Overall rating: I’d give today a C. I really did try, especially with breakfast and bringing oven chicken to work, but lunch was so late and I was so hungry that I didn’t think about trying to make it a balanced meal: I just wanted something to shove in my mouth. Thankfully those were the last of the tortilla chips.
What’dya think, Master? Too much info? Not enough? What would like to see, or not like to see? Any pointers?
I love you, Master!
March 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
for it is her soul that is enslaved,
her body simply follows…”
Submission is not something one can learn. It is not sex. It is not dirty. Submission is beauty. It is a beauty that comes from the very soul of a submissive woman. It is a breaking down of the walls built up in her lifetime, allowing the beautiful, sensual woman to come through. It is about trust, communication, vulnerability, caring, and honesty. It is about being the graceful, sensual, beautiful woman that resides within. Submission is about knowing who you are, and what you want. A submissive is NOT a weak person, but just the opposite. She is strong. She is strong in herself, and in the knowledge of who she is. She NEVER submits out of weakness or desperation. She submits out of strength, love, and trust. Submission is freedom. It is a letting go of one’s self, knowing that the dominant is there to catch you if you falter. It is about pushing to be the very best one can be, not only as a submissive, but as a woman, a person, a human being. It is about learning, growing, and giving. Submission is also about pain. There is no growth without pain, lest it be a temporary growth. There is no freedom without the inner struggle to let go. There is no sensuality without breaking down the barriers that took years to put into place. I have thoughts, feelings, wants, desires, and needs like anyone else. Being submissive does not mean I give up who I am. Moreso, it means I become MORE of who I am. How can this be so, if I allow another to rule my body and soul?? It IS and it CAN BE because of the trust I share with the one I call “Master”. I trust Him not to hurt me. I trust Him to know me, better than I know myself. Because He truly does.
Learning myself, is something that is quite a journey. From emo-goth to vamp and were-lover, to submissive then slave. This is the title, and the description, that will forever describe who, and what, I am. I’m coming to the realization that nothing, NOTHING else is as important as that. Because that puts my Master first and foremost, which is what I should have been doing all along. I got caught up in the “who am I” that used to drag me down as a teenager, because this role was so confusing and contradicting to what I was ‘supposed’ to become. I was supposed to be successful and strong, independent and in charge. I was the loud one, the rough one, the tom-boy. But in all reality, I was simply a little girl lost. So many different paths to travel, so many different destinations, so many different lives to live and endings to get. But instead, I was going down the one that no one had mentioned, that no one had told me it was okay to travel on…. being NONE of those things. Shedding all the names and titles that used to describe me, to reveal the true me. Watching my petals fall (or be pulled away as the case normally was/is) was traumatic. Confusing to say the least. Frightening. Unreal. Bewildering. Having someone else be able to see through those things to know what was really underneath. But of course, my Master knew. He always knows. He also knows the internal struggles that this change has caused me, though to be honest I haven’t shared them in great detail. (I apologize, but I know they can’t be fixed overnight so I work on them in the background until we can deal with them when we’re living together.) The point being, is that I think I hit a mark. I hit a vital point, as I was saying, that all this trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do ‘in the mean-time’ is useless, pointless bather of a mind that hadn’t yet comprehended that it DOESN’T MATTER. Not meaning that I don’t matter, but simply that I know who I am, and have the entire time.
So….who am I? I am His. I am His slave.
What do I want to do? To me, this is beyond complex…in it’s simplicity. Which is probably why it was so difficult to wrap my brain around. I want to do whatever my Master wants me to do. *laughs* No pressure on Him, right? I want to be His slave, whatever that may entail.
When I think about it, I really can’t believe the time and effort that’s been put into me coming to grips with this. It makes me feel very slow and thick-headed. And stubborn. Very stubborn. I apparently don’t take change as well as I thought I did.
Master, I can’t wait to be down there with you and I’m so sorry that I haven’t been the slave that I should and need to be. I know that this maybe needs to be talked about a little more in person, mainly because I don’t know the expectations of me when I’m down there. But I suppose that’ll all come into place once I actually get to move. I love you, more than anything. And I’m so, so sorry that I have put myself in front of You, and our relationship. The reality of what I am, and who I’ve become versus what I’ve always been told I needed to be are so different and conflicting that it tore me apart. I still struggle with what I want in terms of sexual needs, wants and explorations and I’m still slightly embarrassed in general, but I also know that You know AND understand all of this. Your patience is amazing, Master, and I again apologize for my…. stubbornness and lack of learning. I love you, Master, and You are present and future.
Humbly, Lovingly, Wantingly, and Missing You so much,
Simply Yours, Your pet, Your slave.